Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be large. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely from put. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have A further spot wherever American Gentlemen can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer everyone a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often smooth power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." Trump Tower Damascus The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head visible from space, a element staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is really not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions

Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories propose:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."